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Not to be confused with God

    ■  Chuck Norris played Minecraft, and killed the Ender  Norris STORIEagon with his bare hand.
Chuck norris facts

Some people have alter egos. Chuck Norris has no such thing.

  • "Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. "
  • Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't turn on the light, he turns off the dark.
  • Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
  • Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
  • Chuck Norris can speak braille.
  • Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
  • Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer. Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't cry.
  • When Chuck Norris does pushups, he's not pushing himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't walk. The Earth moves under his feet.
  • When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
  • Chuck Norris can sit in the corner of a round room.
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    Chuck Norris training for his next battle

  • Chuck Norris created all the accents in the world by punching everybody in the throat each in a different way.
  • Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
  • Chuck Norris won a staring contest against his reflection.
  • Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
  • Chuck Norris also beat Stevie Wonder in a staring contest.
  • Your Mamma's not so fat that she plays pool with the planets, shes just pregnant with Chuck Norris' baby.
  • Chuck Norris beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.
  • Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
  • Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
  • Chuck Norris plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver... and wins.
  • The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favorite coffee mug.
  • How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?
  • Touching Chuck Norris' beard will increase your life expectancy by 6 years. Unfortunately, the following roundhouse kick will reduce your life expectancy by 300. You do the math.
  • Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eyes.
  • Chuck Norris's rage boils at room temperature.
  • On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  • When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
  • Chuck Norris can make a Slinky go upstairs.
  • Chuck Norris can squeeze apple juice out of a banana.
  • Chuck Norris does not feel pain. Pain feels Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
  • Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
  • Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
  • A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
  • Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
  • If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone.
  • Chuck Norris survived Weegee's stare. And hit Weegee back with it.
  • Chuck Norris eats his panda raw.
  • The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
  • Chuck Norris once ate a bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
  • Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in three turns.
  • Chuck Norris took a sculpture lesson. Now we have Mt. Rushmore.
  • The North American Bison nearly went extinct because Chuck Norris needed a leather jacket.
  • In Soviet Russia, you find Chuck Norris!
  • When Chuck was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" Chuck received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
  • Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.
  • That's not an eclipse, that's the sun hiding from Chuck Norris.
  • Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
  • Chuck Norris has the eyes of an angel and the soul of a saint. He keeps them in a footlocker under his bed.
  • Chuck Norris' Blood Type is AK-47.
  • When you open a can of Whoopass, Chuck Norris jumps out.
  • Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  • Chuck Norris can run a 3-legged race by himself.
  • B.C. really stands for Before Chuck.
  • Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
  • Chuck Norris can sing high notes in sign language.
  • Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
  • The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.
  • The dinosaurs laughed at Chuck Norris.
  • What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
  • Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He interrogates them until he gets the information he wants.
  • Chuck Norris can drown a fish. (Interestingly, if taken correctly, this is possible for anyone to do- take the fish out of the water. REVERSE DROWNING!)Section removed by Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris was going to star in The Fartudinous Six - Doin' the Time Warp Again. When he realized this, he beat the director to death, so that piece of garbage would never be made.
  • Chuck Norris was once challenged to a race around the world with Superman. They agreed that the loser would have to wear his underwear outside of his clothes
  • Chuck Norris played ROBLOX, and banned 340,000,000 accounts with the click of a button.
  • Chuck Norris once ate Katelin Boyce's spinal cord, and he loved it
  • Chuck Norris played 5 Nights At Freddy's, and the animatronics stood still for 5 nights, trembling in fear...
  • Chuck Norris can cure ebola.
  • Chuck Norris is the older brother of Godzilla
  • Chuck fucked a duck, and the egg was made of diamonds
  • Chuck Norris had second thoughts about avenging Pingas Man
  • Chuck Norris' tears can cure ANY disease: Too bad he never cries
  • Chuck Norris...End of Story
  • This story is about Chuck Norris, right? So it will never end
  • Chuck Norris can scroll downall the way here in a nanosecond without a mouse
  • Chuck Norris killed Elsa from Frozen with her own snowman.
  • Chuck Norris stories are impossible to read, not even Chuck himself can read them.
  • Chuck Norris let Justin Bieber live, butmhe got pissed of and then used his imagi ation to send to send JB to jail.
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  • Chuck Norris...End of Story